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Every Online Job Board in This Current Awful Timeline
You know they’ll reject you but you’ll apply anyway because you don’t want to die in poverty
Junior Developer
Description: Our company is seeking a rare, almost mythical employee who possesses a unique combination of skills that are, quite frankly, impossible to find in one single person. If you think that person may be you, apply now.
Requirements: Must have 10+ years of experience in a programming language that was invented 5 years ago. Fluent in 7 languages, including but not limited to: English, Python, Elvish, and Parseltongue.
Pay: Exposure and the unique opportunity to add “unicorn” to your resume.
Strategic Forecasting Specialist
Description: Our innovative start-up is looking for an individual with psychic abilities to predict market trends, employee problems that HR doesn’t know about (so they can be prepared), and what the boss wants for lunch.
Requirements: Proven track record of mind reading and precognitive insights. Bonus points for telekinesis. Preferably no involvement with Tarot or crystal balls though.
Pay: Salary is dependent on predictions of stock market performance.
Customer Service Representative
Description: We’re looking for someone to dedicate their life to talking to asshole customers with no regard for personal time or space.
Requirements: Must be available 25/8, have the ability to clone oneself to handle multiple tasks, and have their own sleeping bag for nights spent in the office (the boss doesn’t like it when staff sleep on their desks, it doesn’t look professional).
Pay: Paid in resilience to trolls and Karens and unlimited instant coffee.
Intern
Description: Entry-level position (with duties not limited to those of CEO, manager, janitor, and personal assistant) available for fresh graduates.
Requirements: Must have at least 5 years of work experience, a PhD in a related field, a lack of self-confidence to stand up to office…
